Rawrz

I got almost no sleep last night. Insomnia is back.

I just finished tidying my desk, and it just makes me feel worse if anything, because I know that to keep it clean I need to clean the rest of my room to actually put stuff in the right places. But nothing has a place where it lives, so I just put things in random places, so all I do is relocate the mess. To properly sort out my room, the only way to really do it is to do the entire thing in one day, and it would take all day. But I don’t have the will power to do that. Nowhere close. So my desk is just going to become a tip again.

A while ago I broke my ancient G15, and bought a new one. Was just a couple months old, and I broke this one in the same way, by spilling ALMOST NO coke on it. Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue how it can go between the keys, UP half a centimetre inside a key, back down and past the rubber to the circuit board. From just a few millilitres of coke. So now I’m using a *terrible* keyboard again, and am going to have to waste ANOTHER £60 on ANOTHER G15.

Social life is still as arse as it was, and still seems to have almost no hope of looking up.

I’m really not loosing weight. Can I really have my BMI as well into obese and be healthy because of the amount of muscle causing the weight? I think my barrel chest is actually growing. Shirts which were fine before my stomach grew are now almost okay on the stomach, but the chest just feels tiny.

I need to make a new dA account before I can properly try and socialise on there again, or try to get back into photography, yet my brain is so fucking perfectionist that I can’t think of a fucking name which I don’t hate.

Everything is stuff which I have to fix myself, yet I don’t even have the effort to do the simple things. Like, say, brushing my teeth. HOW FUCKING HARD IS THAT? Very, apparently, according to my brain. If I can’t even get myself to do that, how the fuck am I going to sort my room out, keep up my diet without comfort eating every other day, exercise often enough, get a social life.

Things went down, and I’m picking myself back up. Time to bring the blog back up, I think. If you don’t know what happened, it’s unlikely I’m happy to tell you.

I know there’s a chance you’ll read this, so I just want to say thank you. I’m not going to say it didn’t hurt, it did, but I knew even before it happened that it was the right thing. So thank you.

So, things which have been happening recently… I don’t think I feel like talking about anything particular a lot, but here goes.
In a couple weeks I’m going to this thingy called Gateway, which is a sort of psychiatry thing for people who aren’t completely fucked in the head. Or something. They deal mainly with depression and social anxiety, and apparently do mostly group work. I’ve found it so hard to talk to the doctor and the person over the phone that I really don’t think it’s going to help much directly, but if nothing else I guess it’s a chance to meet new people. Like minded people at that.
I’ve had some seriously bad insomnia recently. Lying in bed for hours, tired as hell, unable to sleep. And it’s honestly not even been because of anything specific in my head. It makes no sense at all. At least it seems to be clearing up now.
Cycling again. First time was mad, I felt as exhausted at the start as I usually do at the end, but today I went as normal. It was probably just down to the insomnia.
I’m trying to think of a new name for a new deviantArt account, but I’m completely incapable of doing so. Completely. It’s really pissing me off.
My room is still so much of a crazy insane mess, it’s unbelievable. With plenty of smashed glass around too. I’m quite frankly amazed I haven’t cut my feet yet. There’s just no chance I could clean up the glass without cleaning my entire room, and that would just take so long and more effort than I have at the moment. I don’t know, I’ve been feeling slightly motivated to get going with it recently. I may manage to start soon…
What else… Oh, well, social life is still as arse as it was in the last post, and I still haven’t a damn clue how to fix it. Probably the most depressing thing at the moment.

I think that’s all for now. I may post again tomorrow (or today, seeing as it’s 3:40am) with the mandatory Saturday pre-breakfast weighing. My brain’s just a bit scattered at the moment, hence the practically bullet pointed post.

Feel free to leave this post alone if you’re not interested in my problems.

Stuff’s not been good recently. As I said in my last post, the gap year hasn’t hit off to a great start, but it’s not even hit off to a good start. My diet and exercise are going alright, but other than that… well…

My depression has been bad. Very bad. Fueled by a number of things, but I think it’s mainly just caused by my brain. It latches on to things and makes me feel bad because of them, but it isn’t actually anything in particular causing the depression. I have times when I feel fine, and during them I’m still aware of all the things I’ve been feeling depressed about, but none of them seem as bad. I won’t go into more details, but because of this, I really want to see a psychiatrist. I feel totally incapable of carrying on as I am, and it’s only gotten worse over the past… well, over the past three years. Probably more, but it’s hard to remember that far back. I just have to get the confidence to firstly tell my parents, and secondly see the doctor. I get nervous laughter just thinking about it, I wouldn’t be amazed if I faint somewhere along the line.

My social life is arse. I have some very close friends whom I rely on for everything, and very few people other than that who I’d consider friends. And furthermore, there are a grand total of two people off the internet who I can realistically do things with, and who I practically never do. And furthermore, I haven’t a damn clue how to meet people. Seriously. I’ve looked around for clubs, things like cycling and photography clubs, but I’ve found nothing. My lack of a social life really is getting to me badly, and I don’t have a damn clue what to do about it.

It’s now 3:45am, and I know I won’t be tired until 6am at least, and I have no thing to do. Bored out of my mind, which causes stress and, low and behold, more depression.

My brain’s in a mess, a real mess, and I just feel as though I can’t get through it or out of it by myself.

Quite a lot has happened in the past week, but I don’t think this post is going to be that long.

My mood has been crazy, sometimes going up and down three or four times a day. I think it’s the dieting dragging it down (amongst over things) and the exercise taking it up. And the downs have been seriously down. Things haven’t kicked off quite as I’ve wanted, and there’s all sorts going on in my head at the moment.
But enough of that.

My weight has been going up. Up. I’m eating somewhere around half of what I used to, possibly less, and doing FAR more. I’ve probably averaged at a cycle every other day, and they’ve been pretty vigorous cycles. I forgot to weigh myself this morning as I planned, but I did weigh myself a couple times during the week before breakfast, and I was over 200lbs each time. The second time I was a pound and a bit over.
It could be some weird weight fluctuation, or I could be putting on muscle really fast from the cycling. Can muscle be put on that fast…? Anyway, I’ll try to remember to weigh myself tomorrow morning before breakfast instead.

Due to the spiral of boredom, stress and lethargy, I’ve started playing World of Warcraft (I wonder how much spam just writing that will get me >.>) with Freddy again. Nothing can hold my interest, so I end up sitting here for hours switching between different things, getting more and more depressed and less and less willing to do anything about it. Even though you’d generally think that WoW would make me not want to do other things, it does the absolute opposite – when Freddy has to go for a bit, I go for a cycle. It’s working great so far. Other than when my anxiety exploded when we PUG’d a dungeon. Self confidence probably hit an all time low after that, but I’m not feeling so bad now I’ve gone for a cycle.

While standing around in WoW on my other screen, a level 58 just challenged me – a level 10 (not my main) – to a duel. What the fuck? >.>

I’ve started rewatching Elfen Lied, one of my favourite animes. It’s hugely emotional with elements of romcom, lovely bloody combat and… hentai. But it’s all done very tastefully. It’s not just going “HEY LOOK, HERE’S SOME BOOBS, LOLOLOL”. You may completely disagree after watching the first scene, but the rest of the anime gives retrospective taste. If that makes ANY sense.
But anyway, the opening theme is one of the most beautiful and inherently sad songs I’ve ever heard.

There is a longer version, but I don’t think the extra part adds to the song.
I’m currently learning a simple version of this on the piano, though it’s a little tricky even though it’s relatively simple. Odd key, odd movements. I’ll record it if I get good. I do have a more complicated version too, which I can sort of play, but I doubt I’ll get good at it.

UPDATE: Sunday morning, just weighed myself – 197lbs exactly. I seem to fluctuate more than I thought I would, but at least that indicates I’m loosing weight nicely. Now, time for breakfast.

As of last Thursday I’m officially no longer a student of Corfe Hills. I guess this makes me officially unemployed, but more importantly, it’s the start of my gap year. Fucking finally.

Last night I went for my first cycle. It was a decent temperature in the evening, neither too hot nor too cold, though I was absolutely bathed in sweat after 3.3 miles in 20 minutes. Going for a longer cycle with Beaver this evening, hopefully my legs will hold out. They’ve been used so little in the past weeks that even a half mile walk makes them ache. After the cycle last night I could hardly feel them. They’re a little achy now, but not too bad.

I’m more overweight than I thought – over 14 stone. I weighed myself this morning before breakfast, and found I was *exactly* 200 pounds. I decided to stick to using pounds because it’ll be easier to keep track of weight loss. Dot said that loosing 1lb a week is healthy, but it sounds a bit slow to me, and BBC Health says 1-2lbs a week is fine, so I’m aiming for 2lbs a week. So, next Saturday before breakfast I should be 198lbs. I’m not really sure what to do if I loose weight a lot faster than this without pushing myself. It could be unhealthy, but… surely if I’m not too hungry and I’m not constantly fatigued from exercise, it’s fine, no?

Speaking of breakfast, I’m eating it right now. Porridge with nothing on it. Seriously, what the fuck? This is usually vile. Either my taste buds are going mad today or this new porridge we got is insanely nice. It just tastes so creamy. Seriously hope I can keep eating it without anything on (other than some fruit, maybe, bananas and strawberries are godlike with porridge). Would seriously help cut down sugar.

In other news, I’ve been playing Minecraft loads recently. It’s so unbelievably good, and it’s not even into beta. There are still updates really frequently and new content all the time. It’s so hard to explain what it’s all about, it’s just one hell of a sandbox game. I’m currently building a massive castle, but I keep running out of stone.

Yes, another song by Marina and the Diamonds. I’m just totally in love with her. (Yes, “her”, Marina and the Diamonds is her stage name, not the band name, weirdly.) Her voice is just so versatile, it’s unbelievable. She can do powerful lows, shrill but beautiful highs, perfectly smoothly held notes and flawlessly delicate trembles. And “OH MY GOD”. I just love that whole section of the song, from the OMG to the “actually, my name’s Marina.” It’s orgasm inducingly good.

Anyway, going to be blogging weekly from now on, I think. On the weekend, I guess, and I’ll be posting my weight. Public humiliation is a fantastic way to motivate you, though I don’t think I really need it. Meh.

Hello WordPress 3.0 default theme, Twenty Ten. You’re looking mighty snazzy today.

I love this theme. It’s so simple, so clear, I just can’t work out what the hell to do with the header. As usual. Don’t know if I want “Rawrz” to be above the image or in it, don’t know if I want the image to be the whole width or with the gaps either side, don’t know if I want a gap above it etc etc etc. All I’ve changed so far is the background to black, foreground to a slight shade of grey, text alignment to justified and obviously the header image. Which is shit, shut up Freddy, I know. I’m pretty damn sure I’ll be keeping this theme, and keeping the colours black and white. Note to self, change the link hover colour. Icky red. Doesn’t look at all right.
I’ll also be writing LOL ME and LOL FRIENDS pages sometime, if only because the Home button looks shit there all by itself.

I said for ages that I’d write a list of stuff to do over my gap year, but it never got done. Thing is, over summer I’m not going to be starting on any of the things like learning programming or having an all out assault on my social anxiety. It’s just going to be cycling, diet, walking Jasper, weight lifting and frequent blogging. I think that’s pretty much it. I’m just going to be taking things as they come instead of all the planning which I was, uh, planning. Planning to plan, that was never going to work. >.>
Once again I’ll ask for advice. Alternate exercises? Meal ideas? Sports? Ways to meet people and/or slaughter social anxiety? Seriously, any ideas would be awesome.
inb4 shit meals, shit sports and Facebook.

But before all that happens, two more exams to go: 21st and 29th, geology and physics. Not going to do well in either. Oh well. What happens happens. I really should pass Geology whatever happens, but I’ll be absolutely elated if I get even an E in Physics. Elated is one hell of a massive understatement. I’d be able to fly naked to the moon.

Oh god, this video. Not my favourite song by Marina and the Diamonds, but this video. God. It’s eating my brain.
Oh No! is probably one of my favourites by them, but I couldn’t find a video for it.
^And that link seems to be the same colour as everything else. Need to fix that.
I typed “hrev” instead of “href”, ololol